I now have a twitter. How exciting.

Marriage

This isn't probably something that I should post on the internet, but since I am not going to go through with it why not wonder about it publically.

H asked me to marry him. There is nothing romantic about this gesture, just like most of everything about him it is stricly business. He wants to go back to the army, and if he is married he will get paid a bunch more. He does not trust many people, or hardly any for that matter, but of course he trusts me, funny. Not that he would have any reason not to, I would never do anything with his money behind his back. So he wants me to marry him and help him stack money. When I asked what is in it for me, he said what ever I want within reason. Things that will definitely be in it for me are health benefits, citizenship, and a steady income. If you like at it from such a dry point of view it is not a bad deal. He would be in the service, shipped off somewhere, he wants to go to Korea, but will probably end up in Afghanistan even more crazy then he already is. I wouldn't even have to see him unless I really, really wanted to. I could do what ever I want. I could get another internship in manhattan, maybe for Nylon.

Yet every time I think about it I feel like I am talking myself into it. I simply can not marry as a buisness arrangement. I somehow have too much respect for what marriage is supposed to be to do that. I think the reason that I say I will never marry is because I do not believe that I will find someone that I can make that kind of commitment to. My dad always told me, if you don't like it then get out.

Anticipation

There usually is a certain procedure to one of my dates. A call. Waiting by the door and looking out the peep hole. A knock, a hug, a kiss. Close the door move into the room. Undress and move to the bed. High school like make out session. The gentleman going down on me until I come. I go down on them gently, then intensly, and gently again. Keep going till they say they want to fuck or they finish in my mouth. If they want to fuck I grab a rubber and hop on top. Eventually we flip into missionary and then into doggie. A couple of good thrusts and they are done. We cuddle, we chat, I blather, and then it is time to clean up and get dressed.

Repeats are so much easier.

Stranger in my house

It's weird. I used to hate sleeping next to people, and for the most part I still do. If I woke up with after a bringing a guy back home I would be pissed if he was still in my bed in the morning. Same as if I went back to someone else's house at night I would come back home. Yet during the time that I was with H I liked sleeping next to him. I hate cuddling, yet I would fall asleep with my head on his chest, and if I moved away from him he would grab a hold of me and in his sleep ask me where I was going, and it felt good. This weekend I spent the night with A. Being with him is always a pleasure, and the sex gets better with just about every time. By now he knows what I like and he likes it as well. It's hard, and rough, and dirty, and afterwards we just fell asleep on top of the covers. Then something unusual happened, I was gently woken up by him pulling a blanket over the both of us. It wasn't the fact that he got a blanket for us, that was normal and expected, it was a bit chilly, what was new was the tenderness that he had done it with. Throughout the night he would spoon with me, and in the morning the look in his eyes was an adoring one. He was sweet, like really sweet, like kiss you on the forehead kind of sweet, though I do not remember him doing so. When I caught him staring at me for a bit after we had sex again I asked him what he was thinking and he said that my hair is so soft and he now understand how Rumpelstiltskin could have thought that one can turn blonde hair into gold. We went out for breakfast before he took me home.

Now it's not that I want A to fall in love with me, I mean if he did decide to pursue me I would not object, but I had tried to seduce him before and it backfired on me so I have given up on anything serious with the man. It was the sensation of being with someone that cares, that wants you there, that wants you period. I have played the cold lonely bitch for a long time, and I still do. I don't have a problem with it, or at least it does not come up in my head, at least not until I get a glimpse of the other side, at which time I once again become nostalgic. Maybe nostalgic is not the right word, not like I have been in a sweet, caring relationship ever before. Well maybe other then H, he did care and he did love me, and I him.

Sucks, I started out this post feeling lovely, I am ending it feeling lonely. Aaliyah is probably not helping.

Love for money is my sin

any man calls I'll let him in. Rose is my color and white. Pretty mouth, green my eyes. I've seen men come and go. The devil will collect my soul.

Dear god, life ain't kind. People getting born then dyin.

I think it is the end of me being at the club. Tonight was my last night. I can not see myself going back there. It fucking sucks because I am so not ready to give up yet.