I feel the change in you

So for a while now I have been aware of the fact that I need to change some things in my life. Realising that change in needed was the first step, but then I was stuck on that step for a really long time. I knew what I needed to do, but I didn't know how to go about it, or even how to start. I started out by slowing down a lot, not by choice, but due to limiations and out of need. This helped me take a look at my friends, and realize that they are a mess, and that maybe I should start surrounding myself more with people that are actually doing something. Maybe their motivation will also rub off on me. Then I messed things up with R by drunk dialing him like a mad woman. Things don't look very fixable, but then again it is probably for the best. I was a lot more into him then he was into me, and I wasn't able to keep up with his lifestyle. The situation did put two things in a little clearer perspective tho, one is my drinking, which needs to be subdued, and the other is how I interact with men in my private life. Changes are definately needed, I can not act the way I have been, but I do not know how else to act. I guess that is the next step.

Sexlunch

So I was reading a polish version of newsweek while taking a bath, and low and behold comes out that there is a polish escort review/advertisement community, just like the one that I get reviewed on. The article talked about how it is slowly changing the face of prostitution. It is going from being mostly operated by the mafia and on the street, to being run out of nice apartments and privatized. Which is a really good thing, it allows for the girls to be safer, cleaner, and much more client oriented, which of course leads to greater customer satisfaction and the willingness to spend more on the girl.

It also spoke about how even the time of the meetings has slightly changed. While prostitution's rush hours were more of a late night thing now they have changed to a lunch time thing. Many men in the upper part of the middle class now schedule for during their lunch break, allowing them to go back to work refreshed, stress free, and ready to take on the day. The men often believe that their frustration is sexual, even tho during a study done on the ones that have been caught using sexual services it was found that the stress they were experiencing was almost all work and home related. I guess they can't tell the difference, and it's much easier to get laid then it is to fix things up with the misses or stand up to your boss. Which I guess is good for me.

Good for you my homeland comrades, I am glad that you get the work in the same great conditions as I do. Good to know that if I ever decide to move back I can continue my work in the same fashion. Tho the article did also mention that the Ukrainian girls have much better reviews then the Polish ones, and that Mulato and Indian girls are the most in demand. I guess none of this would apply too much to me since I am just about American by now. It seems a bit funny to call myself that, but after twelve years and not much contact or interest in where I come from what else would you expect me to say.

I must say, I really do feel great about work. I am really starting to have a very regular stream of fellas, many new, but most very gladly say that they will be glad to repeat, and still a decent amount of regulars.

I have gotten some more reviews, which can only be better for me since they are all positive. One has even claimed me as his ATF (All Time Favorite). He was a very sweet gentelman, a bit older, but in great shape, and extremely appreciative of his life, which was extremely admirable. He was the first date ever to have given me a present (a box of Godiva Chocolates).

Sometimes it is very exhausting, yet in the end it is always very rewarding. It really is. I actually look forward to going in, and that is such a rare thing for anyone to be able to say about their work. I really am grateful.

History repeats itself

Boys are so funny, they somehow always tend to come back.

A year and a half ago I was screwing one of the bartenders from my favorite bar. It was a spot that I would visit, like every single night. Fucking one of the bartenders was kind of inevitable. We had a nice run. He was sweet, tender, I remember us slow dancing to Radiohead after he told me it was their music that helped him get over his father dying from cancer. We would hang out at the bar after closing, drinking shots of Jameson. I helped him indulge in his fantasies. One time he asked me to tend bar for him topeless, a kind of dirty role reversal. It was fun, but as always somebody had to get emotionally involved, and this time it wasn't me.

He eventually moved away, and we lost all touch. Then a month or two ago I ran into him at a public function. He was pretty drunk by the time I got there, while I was completely sober. To say the least communication wasn't really happening. But today I get a text message to see how I am doing, and to let me know that I have been missed. How sweet, so long since he has seen me, super damn long since he has stuck his dick in me, and he still misses me. It almost breaks my heart, almost. I even got an invite to visit him, he's only like 4 hours away. I think he was flattered cause I saved his number, if only he knew I keep all numbers just because I don't like suprises.

Crash

I crashed my car
Again
Into a telephone pole
Again
The scary thing is that every other time that I have crashed (3 times) I knew what happened, I knew what I did wrong, I had the ability to learn from my mistakes. But not this time. This time all I know is that I am driving on the road, and then I am driving half on the road and half on the grass, and oh shit there's a pole. BOOOOOOOOOOM.

The part where I went from road to grass is completely missing in my brain. I wasn't playing with a cell phone, I wasn't putting on makeup, I wasn't fucking with the radio... I was just thinking, I was just really deep in thought.... and I don't know. I really just don't. And it is freaking scary. I am so scared that I can't even stop crying, and I rarely cry, but I've been crying all day.

I feel so pathetic, so inferior, like such a loser. I feel like I should be locked away in a bubble and my body should be donated to science. Maybe after years of strenious study they will finally find out what is wrong with me. Hey, maybe I will even have a dissease named after me.

Girlfriends

So since I have been hanging out with R I also get to hang out with his friends, which includes the girlfriend of a buddy of his. The girl is absolutely stunning, and bad ass to the bone. I truly commend his catching her, especially considering the dirt he has dated in the past (Oh the memories of a show where he proclaimed his love to some slut, proposed to her, tried to do a split and ripped his pants in half right in the crotch, boys in tight pants do not know how to behave). She also seems really cool, like just fun to be around, easy to talk to, decently intelligent, basically a potential girlfriend for me.

Now mind you I do not have many girlfriends, I can count them on one hand, and only one do I trust completely, but they are something that I enjoy. There are simply just some conversations that I feel dumb having with N or anyone else. I am not going to start gushing to him about the new cutie that I am seeing, I might mention it, but gushing is definitely out of the question. The amount of mockery that would ensue is not worth it.

Here within lies the problem: I love having girlfriends, I love girls nights, but I simply do not trust them. I see through their bullshit because I have done it all before. I have even given the benefit of doubt to tons of them and all have disappointed me in one way or another. It is bad enough that I no longer really trust people period, but with girls I am twice as cautious. I bite my tongue like it's a freaking twinki.

Girl on girl crime is more common then gun violence around these parts.

The art fuck

Last friday I went to see an old friends art show in New Brunswick. I have not seen him, or the people he hangs out with in 5 years or so. Luckily other then growing up a bit they haven't changed much at all. I on the other hand have changed a bunch, but then again not really. They're all still into the punk scene, with the studded vests, chucks, tight pants on everybody, and band tees galore. Which is pretty awesome, if you find your niche might as well run with it and love it. My niche is everything, which is why I have such a large closet.

I get to the art show, and am instantly impressed with how awesome my friends work is. I remember him being really freaking awesome, and encouraging him to keep going, but never in my wildest dream did I think he would get this good. I quickly found him, congratulated, and complimented, and we started talking about the different pieces. He was pleasently suprised that I had actually showed up, you know how it is with people that you haven't seen in a while, full of good intentions but not enough drive. We were both really psyched that I did make the drive out. We ended up hanging out together for most of the night, till he asked me "Will you be my date for tonight?" to which I replied "With delight" and it became obvious that we were really hitting it off.

I helped him close up the exhibit and collect his art work, and we went back to his house. Low and behold he is a great fuck. As energized as the energizer bunny, he just kept going, and going, and going, till I just about passed out from ecstasy. I was not prepared for the amount of loving that he was willing to give, but I was excited for the possibilities that it provides.

I went to see him again last night, and we had another amazing evening/night. This time I came prepared and yet was still blow away by the vigor with which he fucks. If I say harder, he actually goes harder, if I say don't stop he doesn't stop. He really does hit all the right spots that I didn't even know were there. He fucks me so good that I feel like I'm floating. He's like the rearest of treasures that I have found to date.

Artistic, talented, softest pillowy lips, great body, fun attitude, so far so good, we'll see where this goes. From now on I shall call him R