Dear World

What do I do? My life is a fucking mess. I moved out and everything fell apart. The little baby part of me wants to just go to my folks house, lock myself in the closet, and stay in there till I'm so hungry I start eating my leather shoes.

I lost my wallet, all my credit cards, my passport, my fucking life! I am a moron. The passport is taken care of, I went to the consulate yesterday and applied for a temporary replacement, which I can pick up 2 days before I leave for Australia. Better then nothing. But all my money is gone, my bank account is overdrawn since 75% of my appointments haven't been showing up, and I can't work till I get new cards. I leave in exactly two weeks and I have no idea how the fuck I am going to manage. I cry every fucking day, and I don't know who to even ask for help. I feel like a shell of a human. All I want to do is sleep. I haven't been this depressed since fucking Levi. Fuck fuck fuck fuckety fuck. The cards are in the mail, but who the hell knows when they will get here. I don't even know where the hell to start fixing this. As soon as I get back from Australia I will be packing up my shit once again so that N can take his place in the house. I will most likely end up crashing on my sisters couch, till... till god only knows what or when. I guess I will be able to work out of New York then at least. Or maybe I will just get a real job. Or maybe I really won't come back at all. I will run off into the Australian wilderness and live in a cave, feeding on tourists. I will eventually go mad, or more mad then I already am and die.

black sheep

I am so fucking tired of being the bad guy all the time. No matter what I do I am always wrong in the end. Jane thinks I'm way too clingy so she never answers when I call. Nick thinks I am jealous of him and that I cock block him on purpose. My folks, well fuck my folks, they can eat it. My sis rats me out to my dad about the dinner I had planned for him for fathers day and then is suprised that I'm mad, since I should have already told him. Fuck you all.

Woodys

Sometimes I want to kick myself for how dumb I am. I had my second "date" with CF yesterday, and what do I do? What else, I fuck him. Now I am all kinds of mad at myself. Things completely change once that line is crossed, tho it has been rather clear that was the plan from the beginning. Not like him and I could actually date or anything, I mean seriously, we already got into an argument yesterday. He tried to tell me what to do, not ask, tell. Yeah right, the only people that give me orders are my father and the people I work for. Still it would have been nice to have kept things a wee bit more innocent for a lil bit longer. It also would have been nice for our first time not to have been at a strangers house. The setting was so strange that I can't even get into it, and luckily I don't remember much due to the excessive drinking I participated in most of the day. I do remember that I give the best blow jobs ever! I should put that down on my resume. Well, whatever, it happened, no turning back time, I can't have a boy friend anyway, especially not one that is demandning or possessive.


I am looking forward to some dates once again. After my 2 week vacation. There are two dates that I am especially looking forward to as they will allow me to further develope my Mistress side. So far I am sticking to some very basic stuff, you know, gotta start at the bottom and work ones way up. I am tutoring myself with Divine Bitches videos, and they have sparked my interest in a couple of things. I am epsecially interested in these fancy lil things that they call chastity devices. They're like mini cages for ones cock. I really like the clear ones, but I have also seen a couple of wooden ones that are just too cute.

Overall tho, the fetish world uses way too much leather, I need to get some DYI going on so that I have more animakl friendly gear.

P.S. I just realized that CF must have had a great time last night, since I have scratches on my back.

Sometimes I want to kick myself for how dumb I am. I had my second "date" with CF yesterday, and what do I do? What else, I fuck him. Now I am all kinds of mad at myself. Things completely change once that line is crossed, tho it has been rather clear that was the plan from the beginning. Not like him and I could actually date or anything, I mean seriously, we already got into an argument yesterday. He tried to tell me what to do, not ask, tell. Yeah right, the only people that give me orders are my father and the people I work for. Still it would have been nice to have kept things a wee bit more innocent for a lil bit longer. It also would have been nice for our first time not to have been at a strangers house. The setting was so strange that I can't even get into it, and luckily I don't remember much due to the excessive drinking I participated in most of the day. I do remember that I give the best blow jobs ever! I should put that down on my resume. Well, whatever, it happened, no turning back time, I can't have a boy friend anyway, especially not one that is demandning or possessive.


I am looking forward to some dates once again. After my 2 week vacation. There are two dates that I am especially looking forward to as they will allow me to further develope my Mistress side. So far I am sticking to some very basic stuff, you know, gotta start at the bottom and work ones way up. I am tutoring myself with Divine Bitches videos, and they have sparked my interest in a couple of things.